Dedication:

I haven't spoken to my best friend Kaz in about 7 months.  It's a long story why, so I won't bore you with the details... all you need to know is that circumstances in her life do not permit contact with me.

Anyway, I just wanted to say a few things, mainly for my own benefit, that reflect how I am feeling right now...

Kaz and I have been best friends for years.  She and I became close around the time I had my first "boyfriend".  I was about 15 at the time.  That's a total of 9 years.  We got to know each other pretty quickly, sharing secrets, and strategies on boys and matters of the heart.  We shared a love of poetry (writing it) and liked the same music.  She's a bit older than me, almost 6 years older in fact, but it's never really made any difference to our friendship.

I wouldn't say we were besties straight off, but we were extraordinarily close from the very beginning.  I guess that's how you know you've found yourself a lifelong friend.

The cement to our bond came when my "boyfriend" "dumped" me...  I was 17 by that stage, and severely heartbroken.  Kaz distracted me in my thoughts, hugged me while I cried, and let me know it was all gonna be ok.  She'd been through the death of her dad, whom she was particularly close to, and so she was more than aware that feelings of loss can be overcome.

Over the following years, we got up to stuff, mischief of course - clubs, drinking, music, road trips, weekends away, more boyfriends etc etc etc.  None of it was too serious, but when you're 18, everything is cool...  We got through heaps of tough times together, and I believe we will always be soul sisters for this fact.  We lived together when I first moved out of home - for almost 3 years we lived together.  Don't get me wrong, we had our moments of being cranky with each other, but it never lasted long, and we always maintained our solid bond throughout.

Kaz looked after me (everyone really).  She was always cooking.  She's always happy.  She is easily loved, and rarely forgotten.  She's not Japanese, contrary to common misconceptions...

We have so many "you had to be there's" and "personal jokes" that we could have written a series of books.  She was there when one of my exes was abusive to me.  We held each other's hands when a friend of ours was killed.  She has personally warned each man I've dated that should they hurt me, she'd kill them...  She was there when I graduated from being an apprentice, to being a fully fledged hairdresser.  She was there when I got married - maid of honour.   Now, I've had my first child, and she's never met him.  She's my very best friend, my sister, and she's never even so much as held my son.  I am gutted.  She'll be married in a few short weeks, and I'm not going to be her bridesmaid.  I won't get to make a daggy speech, or tell her husband that I will crush his testicles if he even so much as makes her cry.  I've never even met this guy.

I may crush his testicles anyway - but maybe I'll wait til they have their kids..

I wanted to tell you all of this, because I miss her.  I want her back in my life, and it's killing me a day at a time.  I love her like she's my sister, cos she is my sister.  She's the one person I expected to have in my life forever - I never even wanted to live in different towns...  >> That's another great reason to crush her fiance's testicles...

I know my baby is gonna love her, when he finally meets her.  And I genuinely want our kids to be best friends too.  Generations of friends in the making.  I want to see her get married.  I want to be with her, holding her hand, coaching her to push when she's giving birth to her first baby.

I love her incredibly.  That's even clearer to me, since I haven't had her around.  I can't wait to see her again, and I'm sure, that will be a day neither of us will ever forget.

Love A. xo